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most of the time
i cant even be sure
if she was ever with me
or if i was ever with her
essentially, i want this to be like a spot for me to put my thoughts about music records/songs and how they connect to different aspects of who i am.
i also want to keep track of how these things shift over time, and how music moves with my life.honestly, if you are here, im sorry
the baby - samia
never before seen never again found - arms length
the past is still alive - hurray for the riff raff
the baby - samia
03162024
The Baby by Samia really stuck with me. after listening to this album in chunks since 2020, a full listen-through was needed, considering i have listened to is there something in the movies and triptych a combination of probably a thounsanddddddddd times. this album brings attention to a part of the young girl inside me who desperately wanted to be loved and seen. samias ability to articulate the way i feel towards my past and childhood, while not making me sad but filling me with hope, will be the reason why i always come back to this album.
pool
i said, ‘loving you is bigger than my head’
and then you dove in and then i said
“i’m afraid that I need men.'
you said, ‘need me then'feeling like you are in love with someone (or, let me put it in a different way, a man) for the first time, can change how you see the world. and pool encapsulates that feeling. the feeling of noticing this change. i feel i am capable of loving again. ive been in and out of only heterosexual relationships since i was 18 and i have never felt a resemblence of who i was when i was with you.i love him. he has changed my perception of love, the love i had yet to discover. and pool is just that-- a story of falling in love again and the fear of vulnerability after a terrible experience -- yet, it is still full of hope. i feel this more than ever.and i know your middle name, but i might know you if i didnt
in the moments when you’re kissing like a baby in the kitchenfit n fullim fit and full as ever
if you want, i can take it off and show you what my mama gave mei have no idea what i look like. however, samias portrayal of the niche connection between oversexualization and body image really hits close to home here in amber land.
due to my interesting perspective on men and well, sex, fit n full encapsulates how i feel about sharing my body with another person.
essentially, i must get skinnier so i can get hotter for you-- but you would still have sex with me?
i hate my body, but why should i be pressured to appeal to someone who will never see me as anything other than an object
yet, i will still fall for this. keep giving my body and mind to people who will never understand it.all i wants to give you what i have
im generous and vacant, if you want
i can take it offtriptychi would give it up to every man i love, i take what i can get and every woman too, thats my only secret lefti fall in love fast, or it may just be temporary obsession. we are working on it in therapy. (thumbs up + winks)
my previous love, because thats what he was in some regard, was emotional, yet so limited. limited by the fact that i was not in love with him, but i loved him. i loved him in a way i wanted him to never get hurt, but never wanted to experience hurt with him.
i was insecure. obviously. insecure that no one else would love me. he deserves someone who would not have the thoughts i did. and thats something i realize is not normal for a supposed romantic relationship. and i have to take accountability for that. and i do apologize, but i did not know any better. i thought i had those romantic feelings for you. i thought i was in love with you. but i know now, i was attached to a best friend that made me feel special. i cannot imagine a scenario where im with him now and i want that type of affection from anyone else. he is everything to me. and the guilt eats me alive, that you were not able to feel that love from me. these days, i am so full of love for another human, yet i still feel so much shame. i hope to overcome who i was before, and to love with everything in me. i would steal (or buy) the moon for this man. he is my moon.so before i turn it off, little light at my bedstand
ask me what i thought of the life i leddoes not heal after i cut up my thigh climbing over that fence with you
brave and unnatural, already shrouded in reds and blues”on previous listens to this song, i connected to a much younger version of me. a scared me. i had a lot of varying and passing interests as a kid. out of these juvenile interests, some of which evolved into life altering obsessions, gave me a joy i will never feel again. and does not heal sounds like the mourning of this childlike joy.
however, in my most recent listens, i have connected it more to him. he is my biggest source of serotonin. does not heal symbolizes the fear that it wont be like this forever. i hope it doesnt go away. there is a bit of that adolescent delusion, but it keeps me hopeful for the future. whether or not its rooted in denial, i loved. and i can never get upset with past me for loving wholeheartedly.i will stand in for an older me if you say, ‘i trust you’minnesotathere is a place between your shoulder and chest
which i would rather not leavemy minnesota is new jersey“sink my teeth into the book
where you keep your secrets about me90/100
never before seen, never again found - arms length
03172024
Never Before Seen, Never Again Found by Arms Length is a record that i know very well. it was my most streamed of 2023, sharing lots of tears and genuine comfort with me throughout the year. though i will agree that this album is quite generic, it sounds fucking good. and i fucking love this band. this album has been with me through a lot (that one math201 exam). i cannot help but draw comparisons from this album to personal parts of my life. i love this album with everything in me. i hold it responsible for my own interest revival into the genre (if that makes sense). i think arms length is going to be very important to the genre in the upcoming years and i am so excited to be a part of it.
if never before seen never again found by arms length has one million fans i am one of them if never before seen never again found by arms length has one hundred fans i am one of them if never before seen never again found by arms length has ten fans i am one of them if never before seen never again found by arms length has one fan i am Him
overtureand ive been reasoning with
all my reasons to live
but i still got more reasons to leaveoverture hurts me more and more the longer i sit with it. it was one of the tracks that did not stand out to me at first. however, as my mental health declined and everything kinda felt like it was falling apart, i formed a connection to it. from the suicidal tendencies and the turbulent relationship that overture covers, i unfortunately found myself inside it.
somehow its a perfect portrayal of how i see myself in any relationship i have. whether its with my boyfriend, or my mother, or even friends. i always end up feeling like they are there but not because they want to be. but because they feel obligated to, because of my struggles with my mental health.
"and you call just in case im dead
a face only a mother could love
but she can hardly even look at her son".
at the end of the song, allen screams that he wont hurt anyone, this sounds to me of self-aware guilt and feeling responsible for the downfall of all these relationships. yet, still trying to be hopeful that maybe someone will see who he is. but only if he promises not to hurt these relationships any further.
i feel as a burden to the ones i love and i hope one day to overcome this feeling. to once again be capable of feeling love and that i will no longer hurt anyone. overture is exactly this.you know exactly where ill go when im gone
know that its been in the works for so longobject permanenceyoure getting good at letting go at your own pace
i think ill hold on until my fingers slip awayi have always been a bit obsessive with the people i love. not even just romantic partners, just in general. i get excited that i want to be around people and people WANT to be around me. i love having important people in my life and when people do not express the same towards me, i spiral. object permanence represents this spiral. especially where i am currently, i freak out and it feels like my world is falling apart, when this obsession isnt reciprocated. okay, that is a little exaggerated, but the point still stands. feeling like someone loves you as much as you love them, and any sign that this is no longer the case is a terrifying thing for me. as someone who has been struggling with sleeping recently (specifically nightmares and ptsd episodes), he brings me peace when hes there. its a beautiful feeling, but the fear that it is not going to be like this forever lives in my brain. i will actually hold onto this boy until my fingers slip away.
object permanence was definitely the first song i ever heard from arms length, and i found myself coming back to it without really exploring more of their work. its catchy while still being real.where i cant touch the bottom and you drag me by my feet
so scared of getting scared, but i know whats underneatharies (moth song)thought youd go home
but you said your home is where i go
am i precious or just delicate?while overture may be the most important/impactful track on this record. i think aries (moth song) is my favorite. i think the astrology reference is cheesy, but it is still is a song about a special, yet damaging connection.
another song that reminds me of you. i never want to think of you again, but i really do think you scarred me in a way that only you and i could understand. you were the first time i was myself. you were my tarot cards. you were my tattoos. you were my piercings and drawings where only you could see. you were a naive and disgusting delusion. i was so young and eager to be out and proud in the world. i wish you werent that for me. i wish i was able to think back to the time where i was confident with who i was becoming and not have you there. i hate that you will always be an important part of my journey. i dont know why you made that playlist (with arms length, freak) but i hate you for it. i hate you. but this song reminds me of you regardless, because its about how dependent i was on you to make me feel confident and make you feel proud of me. i dont know why. youre literally a bum and not in a quirky way like me. if it wasnt for you, i wouldnt be at engineering school, and ya know maybe id be happier.ill just pretend like i dont hear you
but we both know i always doplaying mercyi wrote it down so id remember
i need to write my thoughts down more
but i can barely read my own damn writing
ive always rathered reading yoursi remember hearing this live. it was one of those experiences where you hear something and simply, youre like yeah thats fucking right lol. i can even give a bit of credit to this song to wanting to start writing more and writing things more personal.
i have always felt more connected and comforted by other people's words and ideas. i have never trusted in my own thoughts. i also love wholeheartedly and love to hear about what someone else wants to say. in a way, this line about reading is actually more about listening. and there is no one else's words id rather consume than his. though, this is a connection (to him) that i am making in a lot of these writings. its because i am ambitious and hopeful for this man. i am loving harder than i ever have, and that is something to be proud of.
i remember one time near the end of our relationship, my ex told me ,"it feels like you are thinking of someone else when youre with me"
i was not thinking of anyone else, however, i understand now, that the relationship was just empty. i was not there. and in a way he was playing mercy with me. because i had never related to this lyric as specifically and as strongly as i do now. and im sorry for being this for you.you always said you'd be crying if you could
i knew what you meant
but i still wish you wouldfamily and friendsi bet my family and friends could all fit in this bed
but theyll never spend the night because i scare them all to deathokay! this song is super cheesy and kinda redundant. HOWEVER! i get it! a common theme throughout this album is fear of abandonment/feeling burdened/like a burden and this is just another song about just that. i do think that this is objectively one of the worst songs on the album, it just doesnt carry some of the same weight. its very direct and boring. theres no room for intepretetation. however,
i could also fit all my family and friends in a bed and theyd all leave because they hate me.but a home has never been a roof over your headdirgeyoure obsessed with dying young in a past life
i cant convince you otherwise
you used to dream of all the ways you have diedthough i am able to connect each song on this album to individual people and experiences, i think dirge does a great job at tying this album together as a concise piece of work. as a concept album, nbsnaf tells a story (in my intepretation) of a troubled mother/child relationship and this is seen in every song. however arms length's ability to connect the feelings that come with this type of relationship to other parts of my life, is why this album is so important to me. not only is the storyline all too relatable and heartbreaking, but each individual component can be intepreted in so many ways. this album is everything to me.
i love this band, i love this album.had a good head on your shoulders
at least until you got older93/100
march - 2024
ill be here in the morning - townes van zandt
rikki dont lose that number - steely dan
loud bark - mannequin pussy
good old fashioned lover boy - queen
victims of love - buck tick
simulation swarm - big thief
nothing matters - the last dinner party
after midnight - chappell roan
alibi - hurray for the riff raff
stellate - samia
our town - iris dement
hawkmoon - hurray for the riff raff
letter to an old poet - boygenius
the past is still alive - hurray for the riff raff
alibi
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